A Warrior In The Making
12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. 13Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. 14 Stand therefore, having girded your waist with truth, having put on the breastplate of righteousness, Ephesians 6:12-14
During a conversation with my sister one day we ended up talking about the Armor of God. We both have been going through our own trials and we were just encouraging each other. We talked about how we always needed to be ready for the enemy's attack, and we needed to always be fully armed with God’s armor. It was a nice conversation, I would say I came out feeling hopeful.
I kept contemplating on the verse all day long and I thought to myself, “Lord I have been fighting this battle for so long and I can’t go on, you need to take over and help me win this battle.” As soon as the thought came, I could have sworn I heard him answering me saying “NO, read that verse again. Feeling complex, I drove home and I found the verse and I read it again. I have read this passage more times that I could count. I even remember memorizing this verse as a child. But only till today did something stick out at me. Something on this verse made me stop. How come I never saw this before? How could I have missed it for so long? I guess it never truly had a meaning for me until today. I imagine, this is why we are always told to constantly read the bible because no matter how often we read a verse we can learn something new every time. God will whisper something new on our ears if only we are willing to listen.
The end of Verse 13 and the beginning of Verse 14 is what made me stop. In the old James version, it says on verse 13 “and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore,” I felt like Paul repeated himself twice. Why would he do that? What does that verse say to me? What is God trying to tell me? In my mind I start to think, Ok Lord, after I have done all I can on my own to stand and fight my battle, after wasting all my strength and feeling low, what is going to happen? In reality I don’t want to ask what will happen, I’m expecting, no, I KNOW what is going to happen, and that is, that my God is going to rescue me. He is going to pick me right up. I am going to lay my head on his chest and let him take me away from this pain and from these trials. I won’t have to fight any more because “I have done all I could on my own” but inside of me I could have sworn I heard a small voice telling me I must hold on, hold a bit longer. The verse was jumping at me “stand therefore” … what Lord??? No, no. Me stand some more? Fight some more? Cry some more? I was not expecting God to tell me in short to suck it up! To tighten up the belts of my pants and hold on tighter because it’s going to get tougher. I think God and me just had a bad connection here because I know I just heard him wrong. There is no way that God is going to tell me that he's is not going to save me right now, because I know I am his precious child and I’m in pain so he’s going to save me!
I could picture it on my head now, how the conversation would go between me and God. I would say “Lord I’ve done all I could to stand and fight this battle, I’m wounded I’m tired I have no strength to go on, I’m barely standing at all and I’m surrounded in all directions. I’m about to fall, I need you to help me NOW!” God answers me back “I know that you’re tired and hurt and you think you’ve done all you can to stand and fight this battle, but I know there is more in you than you think. Now I need you to trust me when I tell you to STAND and have faith and continue fighting the battle.” Me “hmm Lord I don’t think you heard me right the first time...! I just told you that I did ALL I could to stand, I can’t stand anymore I just can’t do it…Look at me!! Are you looking at me right? Are you seeing what I’m seeing??? Are you feeling what I’m feeling? Because if you were, you would not be asking me this. Why are you asking me to keep standing? Don’t you see I can’t do it anymore? I want you; I need YOU to save me, Please Lord can’t you just save me. I know you can, just say the word and my battle will be over. Just with one touch and my wounds would all be healed.
How can God just tell me to simply stand? I thought that God would always come running to save the day and take over for me when I can’t anymore. How can he, now be asking me to do something I feel I can’t do anymore? That doesn’t sound fair at all. But I know that it’s him talking to me, I’m only seeing what I’m going through and I’m looking for a way out, I’m in so much pain, I’m not caring what God’s plan for me is at this time. I want relieve and I want it NOW.
After crying and screaming for what seemed like forever, asking God to help me ease this heartache of mines, I am out of breath, out of words and out of strength. I stare at my screen after writing in my prayer journal, I feel like God said, now it's my time to write in your pages. So, I close my weary eyes and lay my hands on the keyboard, I take a long breath and I listen to the small still whisper, “My dear child I know that you are tired and you are weary, and yes I could with just a wave of my hand, make everything better for you. Right now, what you are seeing is the dark clouds and the enemy around you. I know you’re feeling lost and alone and you’re wondering where you went wrong. I am right here with you always. I see more than the battle that you’re in, I see a warrior being born. I see gold being purified, I see my child growing in ways she doesn’t understand or comprehend right now. I am the potter you are the clay! In order to make my masterpiece useful and valuable I have to lay my precious, priceless work of art in the furnace and let it go through its transformation before it’s complete. This battlefield you are in right now is the purification, the process you must go through in order to become what I have called you to be. I know is hard my child, and if I could speed up time or make the pain any less I would. But I would damage my piece of art if I take it out of the furnace too early or lower the heat so it’s not so hot. I have given you the tools you need to make it through, you are my beloved, the apple of my eye. No matter how hopeless your battle may seem I have already told you the ending, you have already won!”.
Fresh tears start falling from my face, but not out of pain but in cleansing of my soul. I feel like God’s arms are surrounding me and a peace that surpasses all understanding, somehow seems to fill my soul. I could now see where God is trying to lead me on this verse. It may not be what I want to hear but I’m willing to listen to this still voice inside my head. You can call me crazy if you like, but at this moment I can swear I hear his voice inside of me. God is opening my eyes to what he wants me to see. I’m no longer seeing my “now” but I’m looking ahead. He didn’t give me a way out today but he gave me a way through it. By no means am I feeling happy as a clown. I’m still feeling hurt and tired and I know this battle is not ending any time soon, but I know the ending and I come out on top. So, I’m going to dig deep, deep down and double check my Full Armor of God and make sure it’s nice and tight. I’m in it for the long run I’m not going to give up this fight, I am a warrior in the making!
Sometimes God doesn’t give us a way out but the strength to go through our situation. But he promises to never leave us or forsake us. So, I encourage you women of God, who like me, may be feeling this way. Image that God spoke the same words of encouragement to you. Take heart that he is making a warrior out of you, and he is not finished with you yet. He is polishing you to shine brighter than you ever have. Your scars will serve as a testimony to others of his faithfulness. For he promises to not give us more than we could bear. God says to you today “Stand Firm in my promises I will not fail you, even if you feel like you're standing alone I am here standing with you, and in you, I will be your strength and my strength will never fail you”.
